Amazing Dog Plays Guitar, Joins Heavy Metal Band

Metal Shredder News (M.S.N.), September 2002

I have seen the future of rock guitar, and her name is Kelsey.  She has four legs and has to go to the bathroom in the back yard, but that hasn’t stopped this canine wonder from making big waves in the rock world with her remarkable technique and fresh approach to the instrument.  This is one hot dog, and she really knows how to shred some serious metal.  For this month’s column, we interviewed this enigmatic new figure, hoping to shed some light on her unique abilities, and her plans for the future.

M.S.N.: Kelsey, are you the King of Shred or what?

Kelsey the Amazing Dog: Actually, since I’m female it would be more appropriate to call me the Queen of Shred.  Plus, I think Joe Satriani has already earned the title of King of Shred, and I would feel guilty taking that from him.  He’s such a nice human.

M.S.N.: We understand that you actually studied under the great Satriani during your Berkeley years.

Kelsey the Amazing Dog: Yeah, he showed me a thing or two.  I think that was his first time training a Labrador.  I actually gnawed on a couple of his guitars, and he got really mad about that.  I can’t blame him.

M.S.N.: It must be very difficult playing the guitar, I mean, being a dog and all.  You don’t even have an opposable thumb.  How do you get around that?

Kelsey the Amazing Dog: Actually, it’s not that bad.  I just keep my claws clipped real short and trim the hair around my pads.  It’s really not a big deal.  Plus, there are things that I can do that are really hard for humans.  For example, I can sweep arpeggios much more easily because of my webbed feet.  So being a dog has actually turned out to be something of an advantage.  Oh, excuse me just a second... (licks her genitals noisily).   Sorry about that -- I had a really bad itch.

M.S.N.: Quite alright.  Now, we understand that you and your master just came out of the studio, and are about to release two new CD’s.  Can you tell us anything about them?

Kelsey the Amazing Dog: Yeah, the first one is called “Sleepless in Pompeii.”  It’s pretty doggone cool!  It’s got quite a range of styles, from Heavy Metal to Blues to New Age.  Mostly flashy guitar stuff on top of really melodic keyboard riffs.  The second one, “Trajectories,” is jazzier.  I did a wicked-cool wah-wah solo on the first track, which is called “Alien Abduction / The Procedure.”  Really evil, man!  (howls).

M.S.N.: Fabulous!  Finally, wouldn’t you rather be chasing cats than playing guitar?

Kelsey the Amazing Dog:  Get real!  I used to do that kind of stuff when I was a pup.  Now I’m much more interested in developing my chops and getting into shape for the next tour.  Touring brings its own special challenges, especially for a dog.  As I’m sure you can imagine, standing on my hind legs for an hour on stage is real bitch...

Kelsey learning how to do bird photography in North Carolina

Kelsey learning how to drive in Maryland